What makes sense to me anymore? Trying to make sense of the world is an impossibility, what sense is to be made from the senseless. Nothing is to be made from the senseless, sheep are told what they need and want. Fried brains is what the world runs on, splattered across your televisions and smart phone. With your laptops propped up against your finger tips your world is dictated to be limitless on beyond your reach. Beyond your reach is everything you ever wanted. Without goal you are empty, without the festering lies you are nothing to the world. On my side of the planet you’re something to me without the festering lies, blatantly un-accepting of the garbage they feed you everyday. If you’re tired of things the vanity way than come over the my side, but be prepared to open your eyes to reality and to open your heart to the truth. Congratulate yourself for the things you have help. Accept your actions that have done wrong by others and i will never fault you for who you are. Never take action out of malice, ever.
Shes following me again, breaking silence and masks out of shadowy darkness. Lifting veils of lies and curing them back onto the plastered face, Making a mold of ceramic only to shatter by her own actions once more. I stepped away and said don’t follow, just walk away. But she watches me yet again as she did so shortly before. Playing a game pretending i needed to be saved, she lacked the respect I deserved and chose to not give. Yet she watches me once more. She looked once only from thought of demise and decay. Now she might look again for pain and delay. I got away, with my sanity barely intact. Now I wear my flack jacket for shards of pain. Going back to how I am and should be. Those that listen shall hear it, those that don’t shall fear it. Untainted wisdom I have to offer with but one raised ear. One raised ear is all I need. No one worth my time will pass me by as others have. Waste your life as I shall not waste mine regardless of what you do with yours. I am not equal to you. I am something and everything you can never be.
Trying to cut the pain out doesn’t ever work. All i want is to wash myself clean again. destroying all i have created is one way. open arms and open eyes is another way. trying to slaughter the laughter and hurt shared is impossible. the memories sting clearly in my mind of everything in my life time. Shouting them away for moments of clarity only to have them flood back in through the moments I am weakest. Misery dredges the lakes of memory when I am awake. Misery wishfully drags its self back up effortlessly flying above my eyes as I try to slumber in my domicile of family and comfort. Places in which are supposed to be sacred and mine are no longer my own. Ever where is tainted. Feeling hopelessness again that i felt so long ago and for such a grotesque amount of time. Rape is the only word of which that feels suitable to my emotions of pain from what you wrought upon me. Evil lurks everywhere I go no place is untouched no where is sacred to me. not in the depths of my minds or corners of the planet. No matter how quickly i move to avoid every cruel thing people do i can not avoid it all. I rack my mind thinking about everything or anything i have done to deserve this and there has to be something. A sign perhaps is that i have been avoiding the pain of human interaction, and karmic imbalance has brought this to me as a way a telling me that i must be a part of this cruel and unforgiving plain. My words go unheard to often, so i stop speaking them. My thoughts no longer feel as though they are my own. i don’t want to be gentle anymore. i don’t want anyone near me at all. only one person could change anything right now and that will never happen for me. fleeting memories of revelations in the past are distant windows of enlightenment dragging me away from reality. I am nothing more than a little boy trying to be kind to monsters that choose to see nothing in this world. monsters that choose to be blind to everything. all the beauty and all the grotesque. I am few and far between. I am notably kind. I never want to cause pain or to be hurt. I cant try for anyone. No one will listen to any wisdom i share. I am still just an eight year old with a better understanding of the world that everyone is shoving aside because they know better than me. I am done with this world and its burdens.
my heart hurts. its filled with disappointment. no words seem to cover how you made me feel from your actions. the only word that did was hope and i still hang on to this word. i hope you do better i hope you stop the pain. i hope you live life the way you should
Most people never make it past being a victim. Some make it to surviving. Even fewer people make it to thriving. I can’t seem to find anyone that wants life badly enough to thrive. change their fibers and become what they want.
For me rock bottom was when every “adult” in my life that was supposed to be payed to help me telling me i’m worthless every single day of my life. This went on for around two years before i hit the bottom and said fuck you all of those that said i couldn’t and started letting in the positive and accepting that I am worth getting the good things in life and that i will live on and spread good into this world. I will leave my mark on this planet as large or small as it might be. It will have meaning. I am worth what i work for and i put my time in each day because i realized that I am the world and I have an impact to make on myself. Through this impact I effect others as well. which is why i choose to make a positive impact upon myself by being a good person and myself. The self that i want to be, not the negative one others have tried to tell i am.